The Effort to Listen

In the next few weeks, our students are coming home. They will be, as predicted, different people than the ones who left last fall.  They will be filled with new ideas about the world, about themselves, and likely about you: Mom &/or Dad.  Those new ideas can be both refreshing, exciting to engage in, and can also be a bit scary.  “Who is this person sitting in front of me?  She looks like my daughter, but I don’t recognize her anymore?

One of the many things s/he is asking of us is to listen to who s/he is becoming.  Its hard to listen when we feel fear about how things change; especially when it is a relationship we care about deeply.

We all suffer, at times, from the effort to fix or give advice rather than to listen. Theologian Paul Tillich puts it this way, “The first duty of love is to listen.”

So often when we refuse to listen, we become obsessed with remaking the world in our own image, or the way WE want it to be, rather than being open in our spirit to what is real and asking us to listen to the truth before us.

In the words of a Native American Elder, “To truly listen is to risk being changed forever.”

  • As you sit with this idea, can you bring your awareness to your propensity to fix or give advice?
  • Can you allow your breathing to loosen your hold on your efforts do or say something?
  • What do you feel about listening so deeply and attentively that you risk being changed?  

Peace, Dane.

Year in the Life of a Freshman: May

May

Transitional Issues

  • Final exams
  • Missing college friends over the summer
  • Conversations about expectations during summer months
  • Packing up to move out

Tips for Successful Parenting

Hang in there!  Finishing the first year in college is a big deal!  It’s a great opportunity to celebrate your student’s accomplishment.  Students with a year of college under their belt are not the same person you moved to campus just a short 10 months ago.

The freshman year in college is considered one of the most Continue reading →

Year in the Life of a Freshman: April

April

Transition Issues

  • Registration for next Fall semester
  • Finalize summer plans
  • Final projects

Tips for Successful Parenting

Summer is just around the corner, and it’s time to finalize plans for the break.  Will he choose to be a camp counselor, take a summer internship, or come home to work &/or take classes at the local college?  These are all decisions that you’re encouraged to Continue reading →

Year in the Life of a Freshman: March

March

Transition Issues:

  • Distracted by spring weather – focus, focus, focus
  • Pending end of the year projects
  • Considering Student Housing options for Fall

Tips for Successful Parenting

Spring is here!  Flowers are blooming and the weather is looking up – a real distraction from being cooped-up during the winter months.  There are Frisbees to be flown, naps to be taken on the lawn, and, oh yeah, and tests and papers and presentations to prepare for.  Understand your students’ desire to Continue reading →

When Success Leads to Failure…

Periodically I bump into articulate explorations of topics near and dear to the heart of this on-going conversation about how we attentively partner with our college-aged children.  There are more than enough articles in the public conversation detailing the negative ripple-effects of helicopter parenting (many of which are based in a finger-wagging shame that I don’t sense really adds value to the conversation).

Fortunately, there are also thoughtfully pieces with the quality of what I’ve begun calling a “healthy emotional archeology” – that is, writing that leads to a deep consideration of the personal and cultural dynamics of this thing we call parenting.

I find the Atlantic article below to be one of those.  It has a grounded criticism alongside what I find to be thoughtful and helpful questions that can bring us back to our own story as well as the larger cultural story and the ways we may have each, at least implicitly,  made some small contribution to it’s narrative.

I would invite you to consider the issue for yourself and your children, as well as the larger cultural ethos the author shines a bright light on.

As always, Peace on your journey…

Dane

http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2015/08/when-success-leads-to-failure/400925/?utm_source=On+Being+Newsletter&utm_campaign=09b0d5e36a-20150822_rex_jung_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_1c66543c2f-09b0d5e36a-69848605.

Year in the Life of a Freshman: February

February

Transition Issues:

  • Plans for Spring Break?
  • Conversations about Alcohol & other drugs
  • Begin thinking about summer employment &/or summer school
  • Do I still want to major in this?

Tips for Successful Parenting

Spring Break is right around the corner.  Most students have been thinking about any number of options they might have: going home, staying on-campus to make extra money, or heading to the beach or mountains with friends.  This is a great opportunity to talk about his plans, as well as share your expectations about things like, who is financing a trip or what he might do if Continue reading →

The Underground Journey

It would appear by the evening forecast that with few exceptions, we’ve no choice, no matter our zip code, but to acknowledge that winter has arrived in force.  As I type this there are winter storm warnings across much of the country.

I’m an avid gardener.  This season is one in which both I and the visible garden rest.  The fall greens have succumbed to the latest cold snap.  The sweet potatoes are dug and stored in the basement.  The wilted peas, cucumber vines, and spent tomato plants are piled in the compost bin.   

The garlic bulbs planted in late October and the daffodil bulbs I plant every fall (beautifully referred to by author Christopher DeVinck as “the flames of Continue reading →

Year in the Life of a Freshman: January

January

Transition Issues

  • Readjusting to leaving home again
  • Getting back into the swing of campus life
  • Rethink her/his level of campus involvement and commitments
  • Conversations about academic performance & life choices

Tips for Successful Parenting

Lead with questions.  Most students still want their parent(s) to express interest in what she is doing; she will most likely still seek your permission/blessing for what she wants to do.  Try using “open-ended questions” (questions that demand more than a “yes” or “no” response) that allow her to tell you details while Continue reading →

Peace for the Journey, Winter

By now, your student has returned for the Winter Holiday break.  My sense is that you’ve already experienced your expectations not meeting reality.  By that I mean, you and your student had expectations for what the return home would look like, or be like and things just haven’t played out quite like you wanted/hoped they would.

You haven’t witnessed the daily transformation of the wide-eyed freshman you dropped off in August; this new creature who now resides in the body of the person you thought was your child.  On the other hand, your student has not experienced the daily alterations made to life at home, sometimes beyond your own awareness, around his absence.  This is not the household he Continue reading →

Year in the Life of a Freshman: December

December

Transition Issues:

  • Concern about academic demands – finals & projects
  • Talk about expectations for holiday break – s/he isn’t in high school anymore
  • Anticipation of good food, lots of sleep and seeing old and new friends
  • Re-evaluate finances

Tips for Successful Parenting

Expect change – plenty of it. The son you dropped off in August will not be the one who comes home for the winter holiday. Change is not only inevitable, it’s expected and necessary for healthy relationships.  Your student will experience new relationships, academic challenges and Continue reading →