The Underground Journey

winter field

It would appear by the evening forecast that with few exceptions, we’ve no choice, no matter our zip code, but to acknowledge that winter has arrived in force.  As I type this there are winter storm warnings across much of the country.

I’m an avid gardener.  This season is one in which both I and the visible garden rest.  The fall greens have succumbed to the latest cold snap.  The sweet potatoes are dug and stored in the basement.  The wilted peas, cucumber vines, and spent tomato plants are piled in the compost bin.   

The garlic bulbs planted in late October and the daffodil bulbs I plant every fall (beautifully referred to by author Christopher DeVinck as “the flames of Continue reading →

Year in the Life of a Freshman: January

January

Transition Issues

  • Readjusting to leaving home again
  • Getting back into the swing of campus life
  • Rethink her/his level of campus involvement and commitments
  • Conversations about academic performance & life choices

Tips for Successful Parenting

Lead with questions.  Most students still want their parent(s) to express interest in what she is doing; she will most likely still seek your permission/blessing for what she wants to do.  Try using “open-ended questions” (questions that demand more than a “yes” or “no” response) that allow her to tell you details while Continue reading →

Peace for the Journey, Winter

snow path

By now, your student has returned for the Winter Holiday break.  My sense is that you’ve already experienced your expectations not meeting reality.  By that I mean, you and your student had expectations for what the return home would look like, or be like and things just haven’t played out quite like you wanted/hoped they would.

You haven’t witnessed the daily transformation of the wide-eyed freshman you dropped off in August; this new creature who now resides in the body of the person you thought was your child.  On the other hand, your student has not experienced the daily alterations made to life at home, sometimes beyond your own awareness, around his absence.  This is not the household he Continue reading →

Year in the Life of a Freshman: December

December

Transition Issues:

  • Concern about academic demands – finals & projects
  • Talk about expectations for holiday break – s/he isn’t in high school anymore
  • Anticipation of good food, lots of sleep and seeing old and new friends
  • Re-evaluate finances

Tips for Successful Parenting

Expect change – plenty of it. The son you dropped off in August will not be the one who comes home for the winter holiday. Change is not only inevitable, it’s expected and necessary for healthy relationships.  Your student will experience new relationships, academic challenges and Continue reading →

Tradition, tradition, tradition…

rockwell thanksgiving

The commercials are unavoidable – images of family celebrations nearly every time you change the channel.  Thanksgiving is upon us, as are the Winter holidays which follow; the season of expectations and hope.

One of the dynamics at play this time of year is that the approaching holiday season is the most tradition-based on the calendar.  Families often travel to be with each other attempting to create something akin to the quintessential turkey-laden feast Norman Rockwell made famous.  How might this relate to my college student, you ask?  Continue reading →

Year in the Life of a Freshman: November

November

Transition Issues

  • Excitement about Thanksgiving break
  • Talk about your expectations around family traditions & rituals
  • Registration for spring semester is coming up

Tips for Successful Parenting

Phone calls about low grades, difficult relationships or ruining a favorite t-shirt in the wash may be tough for you to hear, but none of them are the end of the world – yours or hers.  Be patient when you get those “nothing is going right and I Continue reading →

Learning to Fail

scared woman

I re-post this entry every year.  The posting has, to date, received more “likes” and comments than any other, so I sense that what I set out to say hit its target.  So for those of you whose college student has come home for the summer, as well as for those of you who are currently marching through the high school graduation activities and are just beginning this process, I’m hopeful that this message will have a ‘centering effect” for all of us seeking to be successful in parenting our kids well!

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As we take a serious look at the transition, my sense is that one of the primary issues for us as parents is the fear of something we can’t imagine actually happening to our daughter or son.  Our culture is bent on the pursuit of success.  So, if that is true – and I’m convinced it is – the idea of failure then is often one that we expend a lot of energy avoiding and helping others avoid, especially those we care deeply for.

In my First-Year Seminar course for new Freshman, we spend an entire class period exploring the idea of “Failure” in order to expand our thinking about what it is, why it’s scary, and what we’re really afraid of – why have we been taught to avoid something that’s likely inevitable?  A number of the resources we use introduce us to how necessary (read: “vital”) failure is to reaching success; no matter the topic or pursuit.  I know, it sounds counter-intuitive, but when I examine my own path, I know Continue reading →

Finding Courage for our Kids

I read this post from my friend and colleague Chip Dodd earlier today and recognized that his comments about being truthful about who we are with our children and how we feel about their lives and our lives together never really changes.  I see how my feelings with my adult children is so similar to my feelings when they were young.  The circumstances or issues my have changed, but the deep feelings have not.

I’m hopeful that Chip’s perspective can help you find new courage to step further into the deep conversation…

Peace, Dane

http://chipdodd.com/blog/fear-of-children

 

A Year in the Life of a Freshman: October

October

Transition Issues

  • Time management & setting priorities
  • Mid-term projects and expectations of academic performance
  • Missing home and old friends

Tips for Successful Parenting

Write often – postcards, letters, emails, it all matters!  Although your student is in the throws of new experiences they are still anxious to hear from home.  There isn’t a student alive who won’t get excited about a care package from home full of Continue reading →

Meaning changes as life unfolds…

I read the following posting recently by one of my favorite authors and poets, Parker Palmer.  Parker is a Quaker and so brings a unique and settled perspective to any conversation.  I’m grateful for his insights here and his challenge to see what is present with and for us as our lives unfold.  It’s certainly a relevant and viable topic for our on-going CP101 conversation.  I’ll be curious to hear from you about how this resonates in your own story.

by Parker J. Palmer,  weekly columnist On Being

I ran across this poem the other day, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. It’s a poem about how we relate to the past — a question that’s relevant at any age, not least when you’re old enough to have more past than future!

Thanks, Robert Frost
by David Ray

Do you have hope for the future?
someone asked Robert Frost, toward the end.
Yes, and even for the past, he replied,
that it will turn out to have been all right
for what it was
, something we can accept,
mistakes made by the selves we had to be,
not able to be, perhaps, what we wished,
or what looking back half the time it seems
we could so easily have been, or ought…
The future, yes, and even for the past,
that it will become something we can bear.
And I too, and my children, so I hope,
will recall as not too heavy the tug
of those albatrosses I sadly placed
upon their tender necks. Hope for the past,
yes, old Frost, your words provide that courage
,
and it brings strange peace that itself passes
into past, easier to bear because
you said it, rather casually, as snow
went on falling in Vermont years ago.

The past isn’t fixed and frozen in place. Instead, its meaning changes as life unfolds. I once lost a job. At the time, it felt as if I had come to the end of the road. But after a while, I was able to see how that loss helped guide me toward my true life-work. Losing that job was a blessing, not a curse.

I’ve made many mistakes and often failed to live up to my aspirations, but I don’t need to look back with regret. Instead, I can see all of my mess-ups as humus or compost for the growing I needed to do.

I love the fact that the word “humus” is related to “humility.” The good I do today may well have its roots in something not-so-good I did in the past. Knowing that takes me beyond both the sinkhole of regret and the hot-air balloon of pride.

Regret shuts life down. Humility opens it up. So Robert Frost was right. We can have hope for the past as well as the future!

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