Releasing our grip

There is, in this transition process a need to recognize opportunities to release our grip on the lives (read: Agendas) of our children. This process is filled with so much; filled with so many of the hopes and dreams we may have had for them since infancy.  Some of our resistance to release around this “letting go” process may have to do with our fear of whether we’ve done the job we set out to do – to raise a competent person to make her way in the world.  That’s really OUR fear to attend to.  But it is important – NO, it’s vital – that we recognize that this is a necessary part of the process for each of us.

If I have a dream or hope for my child that is not yet (or may never be) realized, that is an important invitation for ME to ask if I need to release this, in order to for me to be the parent my child needs as his needs change.  My holding on is one of the key stumbling blocks to relationships moving forward emotionally, relationally and spiritually.

The poem below speaks to this in ways that only a parent would really understand.  I find the poet’s sensitivity to the nuances of “Naming the Baby” to be spot on to the very heart of this transition process.  I’m hopeful that her imagery here helps you “see” this in a new and deeper way.

Peace, Dane

When you are dreaming of the name
you are also dreaming of who they
might be. They are invented in darkness —
under cloak of skin — and, for the better
part of a year, are a swelling
or a set of symptoms. The name
books are like a box of chocolates
and when you open them you see
how many kinds there really are.
There are names of people you
have known and disliked and names
that make the wrong sounds and names
that suggest your child will be
like everyone else’s. There are names
that turn your child into a character
in a novel and names that recall
the time when your great grandmother
was young. Naming the baby is a way
of dreaming about a creature who is
almost but not quite. It is a way of
imagining the soul of a person you
are making but have not made.
The name is the first way you see
the baby: their title, the syllables
that conjure a shape from the lantern.

“Naming the Baby” by Faith Shearin from The Empty House. © Word Press, 2008

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Year in the Life of a Freshman: April

April

Transition Issues

  • Registration for next Fall semester
  • Finalize summer plans
  • Final projects

Tips for Successful Parenting

Summer is just around the corner, and it’s time to finalize plans for the break.  Will he choose to be a camp counselor, take a summer internship, or come home to work &/or take classes at the local college?  These are all decisions that you’re encouraged to Continue reading →

Let Go of the Rice…

I often find myself in the facilitator’s seat of a group of some kind – one of the things I love to do.  Regularly, that role calls on me to prepare those in the circle for the experience we’ll share together, whether that is a therapeutic process, a time of shared silence or a classroom setting.

Of the facilitating tools I carry in my quiver, guided meditations are a favorite.  My experience is that our lives are so scheduled and/or dictated that we rarely have or take time to focus on that which is in front of us for very long.  I find that meditations provide an image or word that can bring us in touch with the reality of our lives in ways that other things seldom do.

One of the meditations I find myself returning to over and over is the one below Continue reading →

Year in the Life of a Freshman: March

March

Transition Issues:

  • Distracted by spring weather – focus, focus, focus
  • Pending end of the year projects
  • Considering Student Housing options for Fall

Tips for Successful Parenting

Spring is here!  Flowers are blooming and the weather is looking up – a real distraction from being cooped-up during the winter months.  There are Frisbees to be flown, naps to be taken on the lawn, and, oh yeah, and tests and papers and presentations to prepare for.  Understand your students’ desire to Continue reading →

Fostering Grit & Resilience…

As regular readers of CP101 would tell you, I’m always on the lookout for the myriad ways in which this on-going conversation about relationship transition takes place.  It’s certainly not a new conversation, as I hear echoes of it throughout literature, poetry, story and film.

I watched the film “Ride,” written and directed by acclaimed actor Helen Hunt recently.  It was a fascinating look at the unprocessed pain of a parent working itself out and through her relationship with her son who was in the process of transitioning from high school to college.  It was hard to watch and yet Continue reading →

Year in the Life of a Freshman: February

February

Transition Issues:

  • Plans for Spring Break?
  • Conversations about Alcohol & other drugs
  • Begin thinking about summer employment &/or summer school
  • Do I still want to major in this?

Tips for Successful Parenting

Spring Break is right around the corner.  Most students have been thinking about any number of options they might have: going home, staying on-campus to make extra money, or heading to the beach or mountains with friends.  This is a great opportunity to talk about his plans, as well as share your expectations about things like, who is financing a trip or what he might do if Continue reading →

The Underground Journey

It would appear by the evening forecast that with few exceptions, we’ve no choice, no matter our zip code, but to acknowledge that winter has arrived in force.  As I type this there are winter storm warnings across much of the country.

I’m an avid gardener.  This season is one in which both I and the visible garden rest.  The fall greens have succumbed to the latest cold snap.  The sweet potatoes are dug and stored in the basement.  The wilted peas, cucumber vines, and spent tomato plants are piled in the compost bin.   

The garlic bulbs planted in late October and the daffodil bulbs I plant every fall (beautifully referred to by author Christopher DeVinck as “the flames of Continue reading →

Year in the Life of a Freshman: January

January

Transition Issues

  • Readjusting to leaving home again
  • Getting back into the swing of campus life
  • Rethink her/his level of campus involvement and commitments
  • Conversations about academic performance & life choices

Tips for Successful Parenting

Lead with questions.  Most students still want their parent(s) to express interest in what she is doing; she will most likely still seek your permission/blessing for what she wants to do.  Try using “open-ended questions” (questions that demand more than a “yes” or “no” response) that allow her to tell you details while Continue reading →

Peace for the Journey, Winter

By now, your student has returned for the Winter Holiday break.  My sense is that you’ve already experienced your expectations not meeting reality.  By that I mean, you and your student had expectations for what the return home would look like, or be like and things just haven’t played out quite like you wanted/hoped they would.

You haven’t witnessed the daily transformation of the wide-eyed freshman you dropped off in August; this new creature who now resides in the body of the person you thought was your child.  On the other hand, your student has not experienced the daily alterations made to life at home, sometimes beyond your own awareness, around his absence.  This is not the household he Continue reading →

Year in the Life of a Freshman: December

December

Transition Issues:

  • Concern about academic demands – finals & projects
  • Talk about expectations for holiday break – s/he isn’t in high school anymore
  • Anticipation of good food, lots of sleep and seeing old and new friends
  • Re-evaluate finances

Tips for Successful Parenting

Expect change – plenty of it. The son you dropped off in August will not be the one who comes home for the winter holiday. Change is not only inevitable, it’s expected and necessary for healthy relationships.  Your student will experience new relationships, academic challenges and Continue reading →